Day 1-Describe yourself from your pet’s perspective
My human wakes up very early in the mornings before my other taller, more hairy human wakes. It is my job to make sure she wakes up on time so I always wake her up right before her tiny machines makes the loud noises that scare me. I do this by ripping open drawers and pulling out socks, knocking things over or crying very loudly. It depends on my mood. She goes out into the kitchen and this is always the best time to beg for treats. If I am very good and give her lots of rubs on her legs almost always, sometimes I get two treats. Then she goes out the door and stays there for a very long time. I don’t know where she goes. The other human stays with me for most of the day so I must passively aggressively cuddle with him while she is away. While she is gone it is my job to take lots of naps and wait for her patiently.
When she comes back, sometimes her feet are wet and they have a very strong smell. So I have to rub her again to make sure the smell goes away. My human calls this smell “chloor-een”, whatever that means. When she comes back inside during the day, sometimes she will get on a weird looking seat that has two wheels and attaches to a machine. It goes around and around and around in circles, sometimes for hours. I get very bored when she does this. I have to distract her sometimes by giving her more rubs or sitting on the small picture box so she knows I care. When she finishes going around and around in circles, I lick the saltiness off her face and give her kisses. Other times she will go back out the door again with special shoes and tight clothes. Sometimes she is also gone for more hours but she comes back with hundreds of smells. I can smell other animals and smells that come through the window on the breeze. She has more saltiness on her face which I must also lick off. Then she leaves again for more hours. I miss her when she goes back out the door. She must miss me too, just sitting out there, waiting to come back in and play with me.
My favorite time of day is when she comes back through the door again later in the day. This means I get the best food in the whole, wide world. It is in this metal circle thing that I could never open. If she ever forgets, I have to remind her when it’s dinner time. My sister and I have to fight over who gets the best bowl with the most gravy. I usually win. Then I must take a very long bath after we finish eating. Then it is nap time again to prepare for the night’s activities. Right before my humans lay on their big, soft pillow for many hours, my sister and I have to wrestle and run around. We have this battle every night. I almost always win. Sometimes my humans will give us special grass out of a container that makes me feel so good. I like to lick it off the floor and roll around in it. This gives me lots of energy and I have to run around and attack my sister even more. I get very tired from all this running around and so do my humans.
Our humans get so tired that they have to go lay on their pillow and take the longest nap. This is really when I get started on my most important jobs. I sing my songs of many woes for my human leaving me for the day. I have to cry very loudly and for very long so she knows how much I miss her during the day. Sometimes I have to have a rematch with my sister. We run over the top of the big pillow and the humans so that they know I am still winning. If my humans take their nap for too long, I have to meow in their face so they can give me more rubs. If only they took more naps during the day, they wouldn’t need to sleep at night when I have my most important jobs.
If my human has given me exactly 7 rubs, 4 treats, the most gravy in my dinner bowl, not too much catnip and is in bed at exactly 9:16 pm, then I will award her with snuggles for approximately 9.75 minutes.