What if?

For the past few months, my life has been a bit of a roller coaster. I got tired about writing about my knee and shin injuries. I got tired of having knee and shin injuries. It was so discouraging to see other teammates and friends around me being able to do work outs, while I was stuck in no man’s injury land. I felt isolated and scared. What if my injury doesn’t heal in time for Ironman? What if I can’t do Ironman? What if I can’t run like I did before? It plagued me and chewed me and spit me out.

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Then, finally, last week I started running again. Without pain. For the first time since March 1, at Ironman New Zealand, I started running again. I can’t even begin to describe my elation at being able to just run. Oh god, how I missed it. Running has sort of become the reason I love doing Ironmans. Swimming has been ingrained into me. Biking is a constant challenge that I haven’t quite figured out yet. But running….man, it makes me feel infinite. And I had forgotten what that happiness, that joy, felt like to run.

Now, I’m still scared as hell that I won’t be ready for Ironman Lake Tahoe on September 21. It’s barely 3 months away. When I run and bike, I can still feel my legs there, wanting to go where they have been before, that there is some kind of base that they haven’t forgotten what they are supposed to do. But I think it is my mind that is still holding me back. That deep, dark place I have been stuck in for the past 3 ½ months.  Questioning. Questioning.  Doubting. Aching to run again. But that doubt, that fear, that questioning if I am capable of doing those things is the only thing holding me back. But I can’t let fear affect my destiny. So screw it.

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8 thoughts on “What if?

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